I don’t know if 314 ever intended to come back or not. All I..

I don’t know if 314 ever intended to come back or not. All I know is if he did, he should’ve communicated that to me. Now, I don’t even want to reconcile with him. I’d rather see where this thing goes with the new man. We’re just friends, but I like how easy he is to talk to about anything. He’s a former lawyer, but he doesn’t judge me for my career or my past. He’s also the sweetest and most thoughtful man I’ve ever met and we haven’t even met for coffee yet. He walked away from a career as a lawyer because he didn’t like the system. Y’all know I walked away from a criminal justice degree because I didn’t like the system. I respect the fuck out of this man for walking away from a career that made him miserable.

Happy NYE 2021, loves!!!! I hope you all have amazing years next year. We deserve some good shit in our lives after the last couple of years, they’ve been hell on almost everyone!!

Also, this is the last thing you’ll hear about the new man, I love y’all, but if I chose to be more than just friends with him, nobody needs to know that much about my personal life.

I would still have a conversation with 314 if he were to come back, but I’m not sure there’s much he could say at this point to make me want to give him another chance, despite the fact that I love him still. My love for him is strong, but that doesn’t change the fact that he shattered my fucking heart. Just talking to this new man has kept me smiling since we first met on Christmas Eve, and nobody has ever succeeded in keeping me smiling like this since 314, before he broke my heart, of course.

At this point, I told the new guy I’m not looking for anything other than friendship, but I told him yesterday he’s the only man I’ve met in years that I feel I could potentially date.

I never told 314 how I felt, that was my mistake. I’m not making that mistake this time. So I’ve explained to this guy that although I don’t want a relationship, I’m not opposed to it if whatever this is happens to turn into more.

Anyway, I’ve decided not to even check my message request folder on Facebook, that’s really the only place 314 would be able to contact me. Maybe I will eventually, but right now, I’m just not going to. If 314 actually wants to talk to me, I guess he’ll just have to figure out a way to run into me in person. I’ve been waiting too fucking long for this man to contact me. I thought for sure he was going to, but maybe I was wrong. I didn’t expect to find such a great guy either. I don’t even know if the new guy and I are compatible as more than just friends, but I’m still really angry at 314 and this man is helping me to feel better, so right now, I just want to focus on that.

314 was mad I wouldn’t let him help me. Not this guy, though. He offered to help me for like the 10th time with something since we first met last night, I said no, as I always do, and explained to him that I just don’t often accept help from anyone, this is how he responded: “ What? Really? You? Struggle to take the help offered? Lol I already know this about you.

I'll keep offering. Eventually you'll figure out that I don't offer what I'm not willing to give.”

This is exactly what I need from the people in my life, not people who get mad over my trauma responses and fierce independence.

Anyway, I hope you all have an incredible NYE and with any luck, maybe I’ll find a place to record new content sooner than later in 2022. 💋

Oh, and one last thing, this new guy is fully aware I’m TERRIFIED of relationships, and he’s aware I haven’t had sex in years. He knows I don’t have a clue if I’ll be ready for a sexual relationship anytime soon, and he’s not bothered by any of this. He’s not pushing me to try things I’m not ready for. He’s incredibly patient and patience and understanding is what I need from a man. I told him I HATE surprises last night, and explained they give me anxiety, so he told me he wouldn’t surprise with anything more than my favorite candy bar from the grocery store. He’s so respectful of not just my trauma, but also my boundaries, it’s so refreshing and because of this, I’m not having severe anxiety with him.

If 314 could’ve just communicated with me more, and asked clarifying questions instead of making assumptions, while also being respectful of my boundaries, I would’ve spent the rest of my life with him, but he couldn’t. So why should I continue to wait for him? Yes, I love the fuck out of that man, but sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

Could 314 still get another chance with me if he wanted one? Maybe, but he’d have to catch me while I’m still single, and for the first time in years, there’s a chance I may actually start dating again.

I think the real point of this post is that we’re not in control of anything, so don’t waste your time waiting until things are “perfect”. 314 and I always waited for the “right” time and we ended up losing each other. So don’t follow in our foot steps, if there is a girl you really want to be with, I’m speaking of girl’s you actually know in real life, don’t waste your time waiting for the perfect moment, just jump because you never know when another person may show up and sweep the love of your life right off their feet.